The PETArection

A little meerkat named Len drifts a little away from its pack; Len feels comfortable, his family is still right around him. He’s happy, playful, adventuresome. His mother isn’t paying attention to him though. Eventually a hawk makes its way over to the meerkat, swoops down with ferocity, and catches its prey. Feeding relentlessly on the weak, defenseless, meerkat in front of Len’s oblivious mother, if only she had been more perceptive…

If this makes you sad, stop reading now.

A baby jaguar travels with a little boy and straps on a helmet to fly in a rocket pack. The jaguar has to make its way to a river to help the boy save a chinchilla. The chinchilla gets saved and its family is ever grateful. They, with the jaguar, pose for a picture so the little boy can get his animal saving badge.

If this fills you with pride, stop reading now.

A penguin that can surf, another penguin that just can’t stop dancing, penguins with famous comedian voices, and a penguin named Pablo with an overactive imagination.

If any of these penguins interest you remotely, you’re done for.

The personification of animals is a sickness that needs to be dealt with expeditiously. Your cat doesn’t love you, your dog doesn’t care if you’re happy with it, your hamster isn’t “playful,” it’s trying to live its life as normal as it can in the tiny little cage you’ve provided for it.

It’s ridiculous that the love towards animals in general is so heavy in our culture that people are saddened more by the death of a stray animal than hearing about a death from a car crash. The PETArection just grew three inches.

Damn it, I didn’t want to target any specific groups in this particular rant, but I really have to get this off my chest:

PETA pisses me off. PETA gets under my skin worse than bad drivers and my wife’s cat combined. Just a quick glance over the peta.org website used to get me frustrated but when I look even deeper into the website, I begin to lose my mind. One of peta.org’s campaigns really hit me close to home, it’s called ‘Kentucky Fried Cruelty’ where PETA works diligently to bash the hell out of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Seriously, PETA, I don’t give a fuck if you guys want to sit around and circle jerk your llamas and blow your dogs; however, when you start to attack an institution as great as KFC, you’re crossing the line. Yeah, so what if I’m eating uber processed, post processed, chemo processed, inhumanely treated chickens? I don’t give a fuck if the chickens are stressed out before their heads are cut off and their bodies ran through grinding machines, I really just want my Honey BBQ wings. Your little videos and your propaganda aren’t going to change shit.

The PETArection doesn’t only grow in length, but in girth as well. Browsing through their website I came across the petakids.com portion of the site and, damn, I really hate these people now. Right in the middle of the kids site there is a question that straight up asks, “Which of the following companies tests its products on animals?” with a few, big name, skin care companies. Answering the question right warrants an, “AWESOME” but if you (or your child) were to answer the question wrong, PETA tells them ” Oops! Looks like you need to learn a bit more about animal testing. Read more.” Are you kidding me? What kind of “kids” site is that? There aren’t even any cartoons or comics in the site! I have a suggestion to remedy their lack of comics, I call the cartoon “Payback” and it would go something like this:

Two chickens are talking to each other about how stressed out they are on their farm. One of them says they have an idea and then starts to whisper into the ear of the other chicken. Then there is a “2 days later” text box and it shows the chickens sitting with each other, one obviously with a mouth full of food and the other is saying, "told you this was a good idea." The next picture shows the scene zoomed out and there is a fully cooked human on the table, and then one of the chickens says to the other, “They really do taste like chicken.” The next box there is awkward silence and then the box after that they start busting up laughing. The end.

Yeah, that’d be awesome. I actually really want to see that in comic form now. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to leave that to PETA.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand:

All these animal movies are going to get your kid eaten at the zoo. Ugh, I’m too pissed off at PETA now to continue typing about animal personification. Damn it reader, I blame you for PETA.

I'm too angry to say thanks for visiting.

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P.S. I’m glad Ellen lost the contract for her show, fake tears lose audiences, you dumb B.