Written by One Mountain | 15 June 2010

DISCLAIMER: Chuck Norris; please do not kill me, I have been forced to write this article at gun-point by the Vietcong for your depiction of them in the movie, "Missing in Action". I trust you will know where to find them.

Recently, I was quite surprised to find Chuck Norris taking time from what must be a hectic schedule of kicking people's asses to write columns for a website called townhall.com. A place, "Where your opinion counts." After reading Chuck's (or should I say, Carlos!!!!! The whole "Chuck" thing is just a cover for a Mexican drug running operation isn't it, I just know it. I want to see a birth certificate!) two part article, I came to a rather brief conclusion: Somewhere down the line, "Chuck" must have kicked himself in the head.

In Norris' "America: Graduating From God?" Chuck seems to be suffering from a concern of de-emphasis on current public/political figures not asserting his beliefs and values ( a REAL threat to national security.)  After reading this article I realized that Chuck's movies have been expressing his political philosophy all this time: Just be cool until someone tells you something you don't like, then forcefully assert your perspectives in a convincing way on the fools.

Chuck's first concern is that government institutions are not forcing prayer sessions on children but only providing moments of silence. What's that matter Chuck, haven't Sunday Schools provided proper instruction to the flock on how to lead themselves in prayer? Or is it that it doesn't work unless you do it in a group session? But maybe Norris is right. (Who am I kidding, of course Norris is right. I'm just using some kind of flawed logic here.) I have a particular concern as well when it comes to not practicing/asserting religious norms: Why are we not committing ritualistic sacrifices to lord Baal? I mean it has to have been a few thousand years since someone has done so, he must be pissed. And I hate to be the one to point it out, but am I the only one that sees that over the past milennia as sacrifices to Baal have decreased the level of global warming has risen? The problem could be easily taken care of with schools implementing morning sacrifices. Those who are opposed to sacrifices can easily sit quietly while apt students participate in assuring the nation's damnation is averted. Of course the Ballinities (is this not the coolest name?) will look down on and ostracize you but you should not have provoked Baal's wrath by not appeasing him.

Norris' next concern is the attrition of Church attendance that he implies is related to public animosity. Really Chuck? Did you you ever consider that going to church SUCKS BALLS? I was walking on the street the other day when I came across a man hitting himself in the head with a hammer. I asked the guy, "Why are you hitting yourself in the head with a hammer?" The guy replied; "Because it feels so good when I stop." This is just a metaphor that I use to convey what the experience of quitting church attendance is as compared to the experience of going to church.

Chuck goes on to overly simplify the de-emphasis of Christian assertions and mythologies imposed during the Bush era as anti-Christian instead of what they are: Secular. I particularly enjoyed his glazed over contrast of Viacom's self censorship over South Park's depiction of Muhammad to the permittance of a show that depicts Jesus in a sitcom. You should be happy that 1: Muhammad doesn't get the airtime, and 2: Jesus does. Muhammad should fire his agent.

Part two of Chuck's schpeel blames the President for not saying God enough, not referring to our "Judeo-Christian heritage" enough and saying things that could be later quote mined and misconstrued as anti-God. I'll explain one of the quotes for you: "the Sermon on the Mount (is) a passage that is so radical that it's doubtful that our own Defense Department would survive its application" If you read the sermon on the mount it's easy to see why one would make this statement: The sermon on the mount is a lecture on pacifism. Defense Departments do not exist on pacifistic policy and if they attempted to do so they would write in their own irrelevancy. Seriously Chuck, did you forget to stare menacingly at your computer in order for it to proof read your article? His last quote from Obama is in regards to Obama telling Turkey that we are not a Christian Nation. Norris then asks "Whom are the we to whom he refers? Would our former presidents agree with his "we." Well Chuck you can take a look at the 1797 Treaty of Tripoli that clearly states that we are not a Christian Nation. Then there's President John Tyler who says in 1843 that "The United States have adventured upon a great and noble experiment, which is believed to have been hazarded in the absence of all previous precedent -- that of total separation of Church and State. No religious establishment by law exists among us."

Chuck ends his argument with a quote from Ben Franklin on God and the Nation. Maybe Chuck wasn't aware that Ben Franklin was a deist.