Written by Morbid Optimist | 10 August 2009

At CreateDebate.com, someone asked the question "What makes TOOL the best band ever?"

The best reply I saw throughout the entire debate was "Nothing." I couldn't agree more. Joecavalry seems to have a great argument against that by saying, "Their music playing abilities." Is that really the case?

Maynard might have a good voice for the band, but there is an obvious lack of variation in his singing style. Adam Jones influence on the band is minimal at best and I'm pretty sure all of TOOL's music seems dark because it honestly seems like Jones has two or three favorite modes and won't attempt anything different. Not to mention that Jones' alternate picking leaves a lot to be desired. Justin Chancellor and Danny Carey, on the other hand, are what make TOOL even remotely decent to listen to.

Everyone that loves TOOL makes the same argument though; Their music is the most artistic, intelligent, funny, non-trendy, and inspirational music they have ever heard. I also, quite often, come across people that actually say TOOL's music gets better as they go along. What a joke. 10,000 Days was the lamest pile of steaming shit I've heard come from an established band since Hed(P.E.) put out Only in Amerika.

"But Morbid, their lyrics are so deeply metaphorical and thought provoking!" What's hilarious about this phrase, and one thing I will give TOOL props for, is that their vocabulary is far beyond that of their audience. How many of you tool fans can, honestly, tell me off the top of your head the meaning of these words: vestal, stigma, credulous or even vicarious?

That has to be the worst argument to point out the validity of a band in the history of band validity arguments:
1. I shouldn't have to make educated guesses as to the meaning of lyrics.
2. I should be able to clearly understand a singers lyrics and not have to look them up (only in the case of non-growl/non-scream singing)
3. A fucking cookie recipe? Yeah, that's great. Super hilarious. Anyone that talks about Die Eier Von Satan like it's God's gift to humorous music should have their hands put in a blender and never be allowed on the internet again. And then these same people go on to talk about how everyone thinks that song is Satanic because their conformists blah blah blah... No, we don't think the song is Satanic, we think it's garbage and that's our problem with it you closed minded ignorant fuck.

You know what band whups TOOL's prog rock ass?

Weezer. That's right, think about it and get back to me.