Written by Morbid Optimist | 12 August 2011

Commercials, news reports and our hyper liberal friends all tell us that the kids in Somalia need assistance, immediately. That is ridiculous. Why should we go out of our way to spend $5 on some kids who, obviously, don't deserve our money?

How dare they ask us for our hard earned cash for some kids we will never see nor ever have any kind of impact on our lives? We have our own children that we need to buy happy meals for! Have you ever had a kid screaming in the back of your car that won't stop until a cheeseburger is crammed down his or her throat? Think about that moment. Where do you want, nay, need your money to go to? To some starving children in Africa who you will never see or interact with or to the kid in the back seat of your car flipping out because he or she hasn't had their fill of 2800 calories for the day?

Don't take the hit on this one, it's not your responsibility. There is no reason you should forgo any of the luxuries in your life to assist these kids. I mean, come on, who cares that they're sleeping in the dirt, don't have the needed medical attention or that their bodies are so starved that even retaining any kind of sustinance is becoming nearly impossible. Your five dollar 20 ounce Red Bull is far more important.

So, whatever you plan to do with YOUR hard earned income, do NOT go to this page and donate to the emaciated, malnourished, disease ridden, starving to death children in the Horn of Africa. Seriously, do NOT click the "Donate Now" button located directly underneath the image on the page. We need to keep as many people overweight in America as possible, otherwise how will the rest of the world be able to quickly identify us as the world's superpower? Keep your (minimum donation of) $5 for yourself!