Written by Morbid Optimist | 26 February 2011

Republicans in the House on Friday announced they will no longer entertain any further amendments to healthcare after discovering an alternative that can be entirely cost free to taxpayers; binaural beats.

Speaker of the House, John Boehner (R-OH), stated that, "The Republican side of the House put serious consideration into coming to this conclusion, we also looked into embracing ancient Chinese herbal remedies, yoga, and rei-ki; however, our acceptance of binaural audio as America's new universal healthcare is because the treatment can be applied literally anywhere."

Democrat opposition was quick to denounce the Republican announcement, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), House Minority Leader, immediately took to her feet and shouted, "What the hell is wrong with you people?!"

Rep. Boehner, not allowing any time for further outrage to be elicited, replied to Pelosi, "No, seriously, binaural beats are, like, really effective. You turn them on while wearing some headphones and there is this, like, Wah Wah Wah sound, but only if you have both headphones on."

Binaural audio, better known as binaural beats, does do as Boehner stated. More specifically, that "Wah Wah" sound created is when two separate, solid, tones are heard that are within 30Hz of each other. Recently, there has been a rise in the application of this auditory eccentricity as a health boosting meditative technique, akin to insence and crystal bells.

Boehner was also correct in saying that binaural beats can be utilized anywhere. Programs are available on both the Android and iPhone platforms, as well as online streaming; yet this fact has been another source of contention among opposition. The need for a high tech phone or a computer with internet access immediately eliminates low income individuals from this form of "healthcare," who are generally the most in need of healthcare.