Written by Morbid Optimist | 27 December 2012

For those of you who are fans of Morbid Optimism's Facebook page, you know that we hit the 1,000,000 page views mark today. Realizing there are others who would also like to reach this significant milestone, I'd like to share my secrets to financial freedom, international acclaim and generating traffic.

Creating Content: One of the first things you'll need is the ability to produce poorly-written content. Sure, others will see what you write and tell you things like, "Your site sucks," "This is garbage," or "You're a hack." But, for them to tell you that your site is a shithole full of crap that no one should read, they'll have to actually view the content. So, when your critics come around and tell you that you're worth less than a fistful of rusty fishhooks, make sure to say "Thanks for the page views."

Building Traffic: Once your website is up and you've populated it with your terrible writing on stuff that no one (including yourself) really cares about, pressure all of your friends into visiting your site daily. Count how many hits you get when you post a link to your site through social networking and start calling people out when the numbers don't match up. Your mom didn't visit your site on Thursday because of surgery? Unfriend that bitch: Obviously she doesn't love you or care about your success.

Another way to help your path to a million page views is to hit up every library in your county and set the homepage on each computer there to your website. This is especially helpful if your site has adult material as some uptight parent out there might get so upset about what you've done that they start a campaign to get your site shutdown. No press is bad press when it comes to getting hits so, if you use this tactic, make sure to have as many pornographic images on your site as possible.

While some blogs out there try to tell their readers that content is king, the reality of the situation is that it really doesn't matter what you do if you want to make money through Adsense. Just be a shady bastard and generate your own traffic. Anyway, you're never going to write anything interesting enough to actually get 1,000,000 hits through other people.

Do it all yourself, and you can get tons of traffic over a six year period that profits you just enough money to feed a family of four at Red Robin, but only if everyone orders from the kid's menu.