Written by Morbid Optimist | 19 December 2012

Mostly following party lines, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives has passed a vote to ban schools in the wake of recent events. House Majority Leader John Boehner said, "As the only common denominator of the school shootings has been that they take place at schools, the only common sense solution to stop massacres, like those in Newtown, Connecticut and at Columbine High School, is to remove schools from the equation."

When asked where children will receive their educations if this bill passes the senate, Boehner stated that "churches, community centers and television will have to pick up the slack," and also added that banning schools nationwide will, "seriously cut down the federal, state and city deficits, making everything President Obama brings to the table in regards to the 'Fiscal Cliff' fiasco completely unreasonable."

Though considered by leftists to be an extremely divisive and controversial move, notable and reputable organizations like the National Rifle Association, Gun Owners of America and the National Youth Hunting Association all agree with the bill wholeheartedly. Teachers union thugs, on the other hand, have opposed the bill since its inception, and have deemed the vote "Irresponsible, irrational and irritating."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi immediately reacted to the vote by throwing a stack of papers into the air and yelling opposition into her microphone but was quickly shut down by Boehner, who ordered her microphone cut off. Pelosi's voice could be heard screaming unintelligibly for fifteen minutes until she was forcibly removed from the building.