Written by Morbid Optimist | 24 September 2011

Everywhere we turn, we are constantly being bombarded with a terribly biased opinion. From commercials to the packs of cigarettes themselves, we are being told that smoking is a plethora of horrendous and life-ceasing compound adjectives. Due to this artificial and unfounded public outcry against smoking, I present to you the truth on why you should keep smoking.

Get to the reasons already!

1. Coping with stress

Maybe the kids are screaming and running amok in your house. Possibly, you've been unemployed for the past eight months and your spouse is constantly telling you to find a job. Or maybe you have a job and your boss is constantly on your back, correcting things that need no correction and you really need to get away for just a few minutes to clear your head. The answer? Smoke some cigarettes!

Smoking is like a mini-vacation away from the stress and pressures of life; you get to go outdoors where it is quiet and peaceful, away from the hectic day to day garbage we are all forced to deal with. It's a break from the computer screen, boss, kids, spouse, housework and the most frustrating aspect of life: reality.

2. Nothing Goes Better With Alcohol

Be it Budweiser, Bacardi, Brandy, Bordeaux, Beefeater Gin or Black Label, there is nothing that compliments libations like the smooth draw of tobacco. There is a reason that you often hear the phrase, "I only smoke when I drink." It's because the two go together so damn well. It's better than pickles and orange juice.

There are many other consumables that go extremely well with smoking: soup, prostitutes, coffee, chewing gum, chocolate, steak and oxygen.

3. Smoking Supports the American Economy

According to this supremely legit-looking page I found, 1,812,513 people are directly and indirectly employed due to the tobacco industry. This whole debt crisis in our country could obviously be solved quite easily if everyone bought a pack of smokes every once in a while.

You don't want to be part of the reason that America continues to struggle financially, do you? Do your part and support one of our top industries.

4. Who Wants to Live to be That Old, Anyway?

Tobacco's opponents are often heard saying, "Each cigarette you smoke takes seven minutes off of your life." If that is even the truth, is that really so terrible? Here is a list of bullshit you (most likely) won't have to deal with if you die by the time you're 60:

• Social Security Paperwork
• Adult grandchild who made poor life choices
• Senility
• Mobility aids (wheelchairs, walkers, etc.)
• Eating dinner at 3:30 p.m.
• Large print books
• Starting 38% of your phrases with, "When I was young..."
• Not recognizing yourself in the mirror
• Planning meals around fiber
• The History Channel
• Electronics based confusion

5. Smoking is Easier in Public than Ferocious Masturbation

Although it is not quite as satisfying and takes approximately four minutes longer to finish, smoking is ridiculously easier to get away with in public places than ferocious masturbation. I'm not talking about your normal public masturbation of course, considering that task is relatively easy if not downright acceptable to do in public spaces. I'm talking about the completely self-punishing wank that you joke about like it's nasty but do in the privacy of your own bathroom while your significant other is waiting for you to finish a long ass game of Monopoly.

Take my word for it, attempting that in front of a crowded Wal-Mart will get you some interesting reactions. Smoking, on the other hand, will get you best friends, new lovers and possibly a handful of new family members.

6. Smoking is Insanely Cool

The most significant reason to keep smoking is obviously due to the level of coolness associated with the habit. Actors, actresses, musicians, businessmen, homeless people, the young, the old and even the president of the United States all smoke. There is no such thing as an addiction to nicotine, there is only an addiction to being awesome.

Ever since the Earth was created by our lord and savior Moses (also a smoker) 2023 years ago, there has been a universal consensus agreed upon by every single human being ever: Wearing the color black increases your levels of awesome by a minimum of 12%. Do you know how that is applicable to smoking? Think about it, if you smoke your lungs and small intestine turn black. How cool is that?! You have the opportunity to "wear" black on the inside, thus multiplying your levels of cool by at least 24% if you are wearing black clothing as well! Imagine just how amazing your autopsy is going to be.

Why wait? Smoke today!