Many years ago a wise man spoke of a world where golf balls had their own autonomy. This man, well ahead of his years, was considered a heretic at times. Through persuasive argument and relentless pursuit he furthered this cause more than any man, woman, or child had ever done in the past. The question we now must ask ourselves as citizens of this world is, “Can we trust the Golf-ball Liberation Front?”

The answer, possibly. The very existence of such an organization deserves at least our attention. Without looking into who they are fighting to be liberated from, and where they might land post-liberation, we may be setting ourselves up for a titanic fall. As a conscientious citizen, we must at least examine the history, their current state, and of course what their future holds.

On September 27th, 1983 The GLF made their auspicious debut to the nation, although their roots were seeded deep into the early 70s. At the forefront of the movement was a young man carrying out secret missions for the United States Military. One of these missions went wrong, and he was tried for a crime he did not commit. What happened after that is somewhat of a mystery. This young man seemed to disappear from the history book, save a few sightings on seldom watched historical documentaries.

Their demands were simple; No more torture. This may seem like an easy request, but the sole purpose of a golf-ball is to be hit, washed, and hit again. The root argument behind the movement is the idea that everything, inanimate or not, deserves a torture-free life. If this is true, then what about the instruments of torture that are used. Is not the value of a golf-ball the same as the club that is used to strike it?

A think-tank in New Jersey has made amazing strides in the effort to determine whether the club has the desire to strike. The current prevailing theory is that it does not, and therefore should be, if anything, a part of the GLF. The GLF could not be reached for comment, but it is commonly assumed that they have made no efforts to reach out to the rest of the golf equipment community.

The GLF is currently in hiding after vicious accusations from the baseballs regarding vector padding in propaganda materials, but like any liberation front, we can trust that they will not be gone for long. The future crisis will be where they will go once liberated. The United States has had a spotty past in mass relocations, but has been doing great work in resettlement communities in many states including Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Michigan.

One begins to wonder though, if the GLF does reach its ultimate goal, won’t some other poor object be put in its place? This is the exact reason the GLF may not be trusted. Their egocentric mantra may sound appealing, but in the end they are just looking for someone else to take the fall.

A GLF member with her spouse

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